Just a second ago, I clicked on the little pencil icon on my blog that indicates that I have something to say, and something that I intend to say well to a lot of people.
But I must admit, I clicked on that icon with no ideas, no thesis, no theme in mind.
Nothing — but this ache in the very core of me that is so present, so strong, that it makes it so that I can almost feel my spirit deep in my chest. It is a heaviness I bear with me always. But at moments like this . . . well . . . there is no relief. It just is.
I have been surrounded by people today. But I miss the little girl that I never will know here.
And I miss Maddy too. I’ve been so preoccupied today, I never gave her my full, undivided attention to just forget life and invest myself fully in her best, new (make-believe) friend. (Who’s named Nikananga and lives in a lake, owns 5 airplanes — which Maddy is ocassionally allowed to take for a spin — and eats trees for dinner). I didn’t take time to battle catepillar car versus lady bug car. I didn’t take time to make play-doh snakes and scary monsters. She fell asleep in the car, so I didn’t even get to read “Worm Diaries” or her infamous bird book.
I did not play baby octopus. Or play hide and seek under the covers this morning. We didn’t cook dinner together, and I didn’t get to watch her set the table (which always makes me so proud to see her do). We did not share our favorite things from today, or pray together for a new baby, or sing rock-a-bye-baby to each other. She did not beg me for just one more minute of snuggles. I didn’t have to pry myself away, wanting to snuggle forever but knowing sleep would never come if I do.
Instead, today, what I did do was occasionally snap at her when she wasn’t operating at my pace of life, sigh deeply when I just wanted to potty by myself, and roll my eyes when she clung to my legs when the babysitter left.
Stellar parenting, right?
Some days, I think I’m on top of the mom thing. And then other days, like today, I wonder since when do other people come before the attention I give my daughter? When did it become OK to interrupt her, but punish her if she interrupts other people? Since when is it OK to be so impatient to have a baby, and at the same time, be so impatient with the baby I already have?
Tonight, Ryan and I were watching a movie, and Maddy called out for me. I scooped her up, and rocked her for a long time — much longer than it took to get her back to sleep. And I cried, and kissed her sweaty little forehead, and tried to smooth back her straw-like hair, tangled and sticking to itself and her face like spaghetti that’s sat too long.
And I just rubbed her sweet cheecks, and kissed them, and told her how sorry mommy was. That none of my friends were more important than her and that my business is not more important than her. I just wished her little subconcious would pick up the message and deliver it to her soul where she would know more than anything how much I really do love her.
But I know that’s just wishful thinking. Maybe, deep in the recesses of her mind, the memory is tucked away. But why settle for a wish, a hope, that by some off chance my daughter might get the message that she is one of the most important people to me on this entire planet?
Wouldn’t it have been so much better to SHOW her today by my words, my actions and my attention, so that she would have had a message of my love that could never be erased?
I want a do-over. And I guess that do-over has a name. Tomorrow.
As Maddy and I sometimes say, “Today was rough. But tomorrow will be better.”
Today was rough. Tomorrow WILL be better.