Ryan and I have come to a crossroads about what we want to do with foster care: Continue with training (mass loads of training) to keep our license current. OR . . .  let our license go because we know that we aren’t ready for a placement now.

I just don’t feel peace either way.

I don’t want to give it up because WHAT IF we try again, and have a failed pregnancy, and foster to adopt is the only way to extend our family? What about my strong desire to help hurting kids? What about all of the time, money and energy we’ve put into getting licensed in the first place?

But then, I’m TERRIFIED of another loss, and losing a foster child to another home would probably send me over the edge. Because I’ve increased my working hours, it will be harder to do even respite care. I suck at paperwork and organization. And I frankly don’t know if this is even a good WAY to adopt and expand our family.

My mom suggested I do it when it’s not with the intention of having more children . . . but just with the intention of helping other kids.

And that seems like a great idea . . . except that that is lightyears away.

I seriously don’t know what to do. Try desperately to find babysitting for 36 hours in the next two weeks so I can attend training during the day — when I would normally be working Arbonne? OR just let it go, and relicense when it’s the right time (whenever that is).

Sometimes, I hate making decisions.

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