Who am I now?
Now that I know children die. Now that I know love is not always enough . Now that I know you can lose the most cherished, beautiful part of your heart … And still breath, still walk, still work, still love, still live.
Who am I now?
I ache for the children whose hands I’ll never hold, lips I’ll never kiss, and feet I’ll never tickle . Yet I snuggle all the more my living children, the ones I get to keep and hold onto, and the one I will likely give back.
I have scars. Many many scars. I do not want to be pregnant right now, and yet I ache with jealousy at times for those of you who are carrying a healthy baby. Who get to feel kicks and rolls and watch your belly grow.
I am content, and yet triggers are everywhere. I cannot escape them.
I am changed. There is before me, and after me. Some of you wish for the before me … Sometimes I do too.
But the after me is good in her own right. Because my babies died, I can take in abused or neglected children like Leyla and Baby Z. Because I know absolute weakness, I also know absolute strength. Because I have been to the bottom, I know that I can make it, even if slowly, to the top. The bottom doesn’t scare me so much anymore.
And because I know loss, I can help others and offer then love and support in their time of need.
I am not quite broken … But once I was. I am not quite whole … There is no cure for dead babies. I am not myself … And yet much more like the girl I am to become. I am infertile, yet actively parenting 3 kids who call me mom.
That is me, for now.
But tomorrow? Tomorrow could change everything .