so this post just might be really garbled and flow of consciousness. So forgive me. And bear with me while I dig in.
A few weeks ago, I asked if any of you felt that you were meant for something more.
I am feeling that so much, every day, pressing on my heart.
Purpose. Purpose. Purpose.
Every day, I feel in the trenches. I’m working through old fears, and old tapes playing in my head, and fighting a war with lethargy and comfort.
I’m daring to break the boundaries I’ve put on myself.
I’m trying to believe and trust in a God that’s bigger than me and bigger than my giants.
God is using so many people and circumstances and trainings and books to just pour into me. I feel the clay of my life under his potter’s hands. And at times, I just want to fight it.
Other times, I embrace it as a long-lost wanderer through the desert might embrace a fresh-water well.
Embracing truth brings to light the ugly in my heart. I see the selfishness, the pride (oh pride. Oh. Oh. Oh.) I see how I let infertility and loss just ROB me of my confidence, my belief that I AM WORTH IT, and my hope in the future.
One of the purposes I feel called to is to be a writer and a speaker. I have loved writing ever since I learned how to put a pencil in my hand and scrawl out illegible letters. I developed a creative voice in middle school. I took on a job as a proofer, only with the intent to move to a copywriter (which I did.)
But in spite of my passion, and my blog, FEAR (and how big that fear is) has kept me from starting my book.
Can I share with you why I am so afraid?
I am afraid to revisit pain. Truth is that I have spent so long trying to survive, that now that I’m on the other side, and in many ways thriving . . . I feel like I can’t touch that pain with a 10-foot pole. Let alone write about it. Let alone let myself REMEMBER what it feels like to lose a child in pregnancy. What if I go back, and I can’t get back out again? What if I get lost in the murkiness of anxiety, depression, grief, sadness?
What if I’ve healed to much that I’m no longer relevant? Maybe I revisit that pain, and I’m found lacking. What if my words don’t carry the weight that they once did? What if I have lost my voice?
What if you don’t like it? What if no one buys it? What if (worse) no one even publishes it?
And it really just comes down to the age-old fear that I have let RUN (completely run and ruin in many ways) my life . . .
What if I am just NOT ENOUGH???
As long as my book stays in my imagination, it’s safe. I can be a speaker and a writer within the confines of my dreams. There is no rejection. People will buy my book in swarms. And I’ll be a legitimate author.
Writing and speaking aren’t my only dream. I also am working toward getting to the top of my network company.
I am making major strides this month in leadership, in learning, in personal development, and goal-setting. Every day, I’m working with intentionality and focus. And I’m moving forward, trusting in something so much bigger than me.
And yet, those old tapes in my brains sometimes play:
“Who are YOU, little old Rachel, to think you could accomplish THAT?”
“Who would follow you?”
And of course, the big one. Oh the big one.
What if I am just NOT ENOUGH???
You know what. Here’s truth.
I’m not enough.
My blog isn’t good enough. I desperately want it to look cuter, but I have no idea how to do that. I want better buttons so you can share on Social Media easier. Yep, no clue how to do that. I don’t write as often as I should. I’m on Blogger when I should have started on WordPress.
But you know what, my voice isn’t enough. My blog isn’t __________ enough. But my GOD is enough. He can take my humble beginnings, my blog template that EVERYONE has, my fingers that falter and my courage that fails at times — He can take it all and still inspire someone. Inspire you. Maybe bring you closer to Him. Or maybe help you feel not so (God-forsakingly) alone. He can take it.
You know what else? I’m not good enough in my business. Would you believe that yesterday I went to a makeup party without any makeup? I mean, that’s all fine and dandy when I’m the guest. But when I’m the consultant?? Yeah. That was me.
I still get nervous before every party. I sell skincare and I still get breakouts. (Nothing to do with product, everything to do with my lovely genes.) I don’t have the perfect story. Ya’ll, I have been at this business for 7 years. I have had ups and downs. Teams come and teams quit. Nothing I have gone through has been a waste — and yet I don’t yet have all the “stuff” of success. (Except that because of Arbonne, I can stay home with my kids. That one is pretty darn awesome.)
But I know that my God doesn’t need me to be the most beautiful, the most put-together, the most perfect consultant in order to succeed.
And that’s the point. He doesn’t need me. Not for any of this, other than to just be humbled and submitted to Him. As long as I just humble myself to His leading, then I AM enough. Because my identity is wrapped up solely around Him.
And so here I am to you, my friends. My dear readers who I cherish so very much. You who have cheered me on, cried tears with me, prayed for me, emailed me, and loved on me — even when I don’t deserve it.
Here, I promise to you. I will write that book. I will. And not someday — but this year. At the end of this year, my manuscript will be in someone’s hands. Hopefullly that someone will choose to publish.
And I also promise that I’m going to do everything on my part to grow my business — and even more so, focus on growing into the person I need to be in order to lead.
I am so thankful that as I pursue my purpose, as I submit to God, I’m not alone.
Thank you for being with me every step of the way. Un-cute blog and all.
I’ll leave you with this challenge . . . And I hope you all will think about your OWN purpose. Your own fears that are holding you back. I hope you, too, find that God is big enough for all of it. That you are enough. Because He is enough.
Did you know that there are people waiting for you to show up? Not at an event, but at this thing called life. They are looking for you to be brave so that it gives them the courage to be brave. When you are successful , it inspires them to believe they can do it too. When you open up about weakness, they can be honest about their struggles and weakness.
So often, we act as though our decisions only affect us. But we aren’t an island. Others are always always impacted by how we choose to live.
So today, own up. Be brave. Be honest and open. Pursue your dream. Don’t apologize for being too great or too humble. Simply live with integrity, passion and love.
You never know who might be counting on you to show up TODAY.