One of my readers, Kaylee, is facing her due date today. It’s an empty due date — carrying only broken dreams and too-few memories. I really wanted to post her story on this day, because I know how lonely going through an empty due date is. You wonder if you are the only one who remembers that today your baby was supposed to be here.
Let’s show her some love today.
I came across your blog today from a link shared on Facebook. I don’t believe in coincedence. The baby that I miscarried would have been due tomorrow, February 23.
Reading your stories and the others that have been shared has been healing. It is with a bit of trepidation that I share my story.
I found out I was pregnant in June 2013. Other than my salvation and my wedding day, that day was the happiest of my life. I took the test first thing in the morning and when I saw that it was positive, there was a burst of joy that filled my heart.
I was a mommy.
A dream that I had had since I was a little girl playing with my dolls was finally becoming a reality.
I couldn’t wait for my husband to wake up so I could tell him. I put the test in a blue gift bag along with a baby girl outfit that I had bought as a gift for a friend and never given. I included a note explaining that the blue bag was for a boy and the outfit for a girl, but either way he was a dad!
He was shocked, but excited. We rejoiced together and that night as we lay in bed we prayed for the life that God was knitting together in my womb and asked for wisdom to parent the baby and raise him/her to know Jesus.
I already had a doctor’s appointment scheduled for later that week ,so I was given another test and the pregnancy was confirmed. My husband and I had planned to leave the next week for a 3-week trip to Indonesia with 2 other couples. I was nervous about traveling so far away while pregnant, but my doctor assured me that it was completely safe.
In the first week I didn’t experience any nausea, but a few days after arriving in Indonesia, it hit with a vengeance. It was hard to be in a strange place and so sick, but I didn’t let it get me down — I was having a baby!
I did research and learned that morning sickness often starts around 6 weeks and according to my calculations, I was right on schedule. I was also encouraged in my reading that it was a sign of a healthy pregnancy. I survived the rest of the trip by carrying plastic bags with me constantly. My husband was amazing at hunting down the foods that sounded good to me.
We returned home. A few days later, I went in for my first OB appointment. I had my first ultrasound and my husband and I were excited to get the first glimpse of our baby.
I got my first clue that things weren’t right when the ultrasound tech wasn’t smiling. She asked me again for the date of my last period and after a few minutes said that maybe I was off on my dates and that my doctor would be calling me. I knew that I wasn’t “off” on my dates. We had been trying to conceive for 6 months. I was keeping track of the days.
At this point I still wasn’t overly worried. The ultrasound tech was pretty vague. My doctor called me in the next day and explained that the baby’s heartbeat didn’t show on the ultrasound. I figured that I was 8 weeks by this time, so it should have. I was told that there was a 65% chance that I had lost the baby and 45% chance that the ultrasound was wrong. Another one was scheduled for 10 days later. I was given instructions on what to do if I started miscarrying.
I left the doctor’s in a fog.
I had just been told that in all likeliness my baby was gone. With a lot of prayer, we made it through the next 10 days. I continued to be super nauseous and felt pregnant. This had to be a good sign right? The probability was bad, but I still had a glimmer of hope in that 45%. We prayed and believed for a miracle. Nothing is impossible with God.
The next ultrasound showed absolutely no change. The doctor was surprised that I hadn’t miscarried yet and offered to give me some medicine to induce it. I wasn’t allowed to see the screen at either ultrasound and was still feeling the same way physically. I just wasn’t comfortable inducing at that point. I was told that I could continue to wait “for nature to take its course.”
My husband and I laid in bed that night and wept. I hadn’t lived the easiest life up until this point, but this was the most personal pain I had ever gone through.
I felt like all of the joy that I had had been ripped away and that in a way it had been a lie.
I turned to the Bible and was challenged by Job’s response to his suffering. After everything was taken from him, the Bible says, that he worshiped God. Could I, would I worship Him now in my deepest sorrow? In the days that followed I felt immense comfort and was reminded that the joy that I experienced wasn’t a lie. Every life is a reason to rejoice and there was life inside of my womb.
A few weeks later, I still hadn’t physically miscarried. I requested another ultrasound. This time, I was shown that there was no change.
I was given medicine to induce. The first round didn’t work. The second round did. I have never felt such intense physical pain. I wasn’t prepared for how much it was going to hurt, but I felt like the physical pain was matching the pain in my heart. More than a month had passed since the initial ultrasound.
I was open to the idea of naming the baby, but I didn’t want to go searching for a name. I prayed that God would give us a name. My husband was sure that the baby was a girl, so it was fitting when the name that came to me was Zoe.
Zoe is the Greek word for life. Our girl is in heaven with Jesus and is experiencing life in the truest sense of the word.
I ordered a ring off of Etsy that has 2 bands with a tiny pearl between them. I wear it in honor and remembrance of Zoe.
My grief is an ongoing journey. I never thought that miscarriage would be a part of my story. There have been times when I think that I am “healed” and am doing fine, but then the sorrow sneaks up on me and I realize that my heart will not be healed this side of eternity. There will always be a empty space in our family that shouldn’t be there.
I struggle when people ask if we have children. I want to shout, “Yes! Yes, we do, but she is in heaven.” Saying no feels like a lie and a denial of our sweet Zoe’s existence, but do I want to share something so personal with the random person who asked an innocent question?
My life verse is 2 Corinthians 1:3-4:
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
In these verses, I hear an encouragement towards community among God’s people. He comforts us so that we can share that comfort with others.
This blog is a beautiful example of these verses in action.
Today I am 9 weeks pregnant.
Due to complications with insurance, I haven’t been to the doctor yet. In many ways, this pregnancy feels exactly like my last. It’s a constant battle to not let fear overtake me. My husband sweetly reminded me that we will be trusting God for the life of this child for the rest of our lives and it starts now. Moment by moment, I give thanks for the life that He has given and surrender the future into His capable and loving hands.
Thank you for reading. 🙂
Thank you so much, Kaylee, for sharing your story. Thinking of you today. <3 — Rachel