Sometimes words just come to me, and writing feels as easy as breathing.
This is not one of those times.
My body has made it impossible, yet again, for my baby to even develop. It has made November 12 an empty day. It is betraying me by cramping and bleeding when I shouldn’t be.
I know. Cramping and bleeding ARE what your body is supposed to do in a miscarriage.
But miscarriage isn’t natural. As much as we say it is, it isn’t. I don’t think God created reproduction with the intent of making some of us lose our kids. Just like death wasn’t part of his original plan.
I know many of you want to say you’re sorry. And I know you are. For whatever reason, I’m really struggling with hearing I’m sorry.
Maybe because I’m not. I did every. single. thing. I know to do to keep this baby around.
I’m not sorry for taking all the necessary pills. Or for eating well. Or for conceiving a baby. I’m not sorry we got pregnant. I’m not sorry for having hope that this time we’d get a baby. I’m not sorry for trying again.
What I am is angry.
I’m angry that no matter what I do, it isn’t enough. I’m angry that this is my lot. I’m angry that I’m faced with grief yet again, and STILL, no plan for how to achieve a healthy pregnancy. I’m angry that I must face the pain of a miscarriage.
I’m angry that while my heart is ready to love a little baby, my womb is ready to kill them.
I’m angry as I watch my husband struggle. I feel like I have let him down. I feel like I have let everyone down.
I’m angry that each pregnancy is so short. That it is over before it even has much of a chance to begin.
I want to write something spiritual, about how God’s got this, and I still love Him. He does and I do. But I think I want to write this just to make YOU feel better. Not because that actually is how I feel right now. I know I’ll get there probably sooner than later.
For now, I feel hopeless with my body. I feel so angry that I don’t get to meet this baby yet. I feel so frustrated that I have to write this post to begin with.
So that’s where I am.
The hopes, dreams and life of this little baby are gone, swallowed up by an ugly miscarriage.
Today, miscarriage won.