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The strange thing about getting a positive test after multiple losses, is that you actually don’t equate it with a baby anymore.

Ryan slept in late, which turned out to be a blessing. I had promised my nurse that I would take a pregnancy test this morning to rule out pregnancy as the reason for the spotting I’ve been having for two weeks, and my late period.

Turns out ….

I ruled it in.

When I told Ryan, he said “I’m sorry.” Not because either of us don’t want a baby. But neither of us actually believe a baby is in the future.

Quickly, I laid down the ground rules.

  • No quantitative Hcg tests. I don’t want to know, and they are so stressful anyway.
  • We are not telling family. Not until we are miscarrying, having surgery, or have an ultrasound with a baby in it.
  • I don’t want to know my due date. (Curiosity already got the best of me. I caved in. It’s May 28. Not that I actually believe that date means anything.)
  • I will let a few friends know that I can count on for support, and I’ll post in our pregnancy after loss groups. That way I can have some support, because I’ll need it.
  • No frantic prayers for my baby’s life. Well, at least not yet. (This was my unspoken rule. It is not lack of faith … But the understanding that my way of doing things bears little weight on God’s ideas. My prayers today have been more, “if it’s going to be a loss, please let’s get it over with.”)
  • Last, no going crazy with grief. I’m not going to let the rest of my life that I had built up get lost in this. Unless it is a later loss.

My sister asked how I could ensure I complied with that last rule. (Can you tell I  already broke rule #2. Only with my sister though.) I have no idea how to do it. Every loss, I’ve reacted so differently. I just have to sort of promise myself I won’t lose my stuff over this.

Last time I got a positive pregnancy test, I remember saying to a friend that I wish I could just look down the future a year, so I could know what happened.

Today, I find myself wishing for the same. Where would Z be? Did this pregnancy last 1 week? Maybe 2? Or is it even conceivable that this pregnancy resulted in a baby.

No, that is wishful thinking.

Every time my brain drifts to the positive, an instant wall shoots up. “That’s quite the assumption,” the little wall goes, “to think that you’ll walk away with anything beside a loss. Better not to have any hopes or dreams. Don’t envision yourself with a swollen belly, or a new baby in your arms.  Better to just assume a loss.”

And so, we have.

Ryan asked if I wanted him to take off work today to be with me. I said no. “Save it for the miscarriage,” I said. “Should we tell the play directors I might have to take time off for miscarrying,” I wondered aloud. “Best case scenario for loss is early miscarriage, no need for quantitative Hcg. Worst case is ectopic or late loss.”

These are all the conversations we are having.

Meanwhile today, I am still spotting. Which you know, makes me feel that much more confident in my body.

When the nurse called me today, and I disclosed the positive test result, I told her how strange it was that I had no symptoms. But then after talking with her, I realized I had some. Constipation. Irritability. Total body exhaustion at night. A fresh zit every morning. And my boobs every once in a while feel tender.

Even still, she could tell I didn’t feel confident.”Maybe this is it, she told me. “Maybe this is the one that makes it.”

Maybe, I said. I don’t think my acting convinced her.

And so tonight, I lay in bed, physically and emotionally exhausted. Ryan and I hired a babysitter tonight for the movies so I could check out from my  mental overkill today. It was nice to be with him. It was nice to come home, and lay in bed, and try to process.

How many days in this Journal? God only knows.

For better or worse, there’s a new little Lewis. I just don’t know if we are going to get to meet them.