The last few weeks, I’ve had writer’s block.
I know I SHOULD have written.
I should have written a moving post about being a bereaved mom on Mother’s Day.
I should have written a loving tribute to both Caleb and Elliott as we “celebrated” anniversaries with them this month.
I should have written about our amazing family vacation at Great Wolf Lodge, one month post-adoption.
I should have written a review for “Return to Zero.”
I should have written about how I overcame all the grief triggers and reminders of what I’ve lost when I went to our annual training conference in Vegas.
But I find myself at a complete crossroads.
You see, I’m trying to move forward.
I’m not 100% what that looks like. I just know that I can’t be THIS sad anymore. I can’t.
My family can’t handle it. I can’t handle it. My business and team can’t handle it. My girls can’t handle it. My marriage can’t handle it. My finances and bills can’t handle it. My emotions can’t handle it.
I just need to figure out some way to move forward.
I did make SOME decisions while at our conference. (And the conference, btw, is a completely different post that will take me much longer than the 10 minutes I’m currently allotting myself to write.)
I’m taking a grief break.
For me this is what that looks like.
1 — Ryan and I are taking a break from trying to conceive. Once this cycle is up, assuming I’m not pregnant, I’ll be starting birth control. For at least a year. (Pray we get this right, so it makes my hormones BETTER and NOT WORSE!)
2 — I’m taking a break from our pregnancy loss support group.
It’s not that they did anything wrong, or there are bad feelings — so please don’t think that. I actually already miss them! 🙂 It’s just that when I AM in a good place, and I go to the meetings, it all comes back. I go to meetings twice a month, so even though I’m not immersed in it — it’s still enough.
I also never took a break for myself to just heal, and not be supporting others in the process, with my last 3 losses.
Going to meetings also reminds me of how much I DO want to be pregnant.
So for the sake of my sanity, maybe, and to help promote whatever healing I might need — I’m taking a break for a few months. I’m still technically on leadership — it’s just more like a personal leave of absence.
Thankfully, my friend, the director, was super supportive and understanding of my decision, and knowing I have her support has made the decision so much easier.
I took several weeks to come to the decisions I did — praying, talking with friends and family and confidantes. Talking with the director.
I have been hesitant to tell you these things.
Well, first, I’m always hesitant if I feel like some of you are thinking, “FINALLY.” See, family planning, as you know, is a very personal thing and for a very long time, ttc DID seem like the right thing to do for me and Ryan. I was making the best decisions I could.
Now, I’ve really come to appreciate (maybe that’s not the right word?) what recurrent loss has robbed me of. And I’m ready to start claiming that joy, peace and contentment for myself.
Also, I’ve decided that I can only make a decision based on what I know, not on what I don’t know. For so long, I’ve been making decisions on what I didn’t know, like:
-What if next time it works?
-What if this is our only chance?
-What if the doctor’s figure it out?
-What if this treatment works?
-What if I go into menopause soon?
-What if my eggs are already in decline?
And I don’t know the answers to any of that.
But I DO KNOW that for me, for now, I’ve had enough. I cannot handle any more losses, any more completely anxiety-riddled pregnancies, without maybe having a complete breakdown.
So for now, I’m choosing to move forward with my family. With the business I am beyond blessed with. With the children I adore. With the oh-so-brief but tender memories of the children I didn’t get to hold.
I don’t know all that the future holds. And, yes, I’m secretly praying it still includes a healthy newborn in my family. But I’m choosing to be OK with where I’m at right in this moment.