I woke up this morning feeling a little crampy, as though I needed to use the restroom.
No spotting when I wiped. Phew!!
But later in the day, at play practice, my body started to feel like it would begin its period. Dull crampiness.
As soon as I had a break on stage, I beelined it to the bathroom to check for blood.
None on my panties.
But when I wiped, pink blood was there. Dang it.
The one thing you don’t know till you’re in a rainbow pregnancy is how ridiculously often you’ll check for blood and freak out at every single symptom. (Or lack thereof.)
Today, I’m leaning toward this will be over soon. My body will do the one thing it is good at — bleeding out babies.
Today, hope feels gone. And in the meantime, I will try my best to pretend like I’m not obsessed with my possibly miscarrying uterus.
I have been feeling very emotional all day. Mostly, I just want to sleep. I must admit I want this baby to hang on. I want to make it all the way. I want to have prenatal appointments, and a big belly, a maternity shoot, and absolutely, a live baby at then end.
Fear tells me that my body is completely incapable.
I’m trying to remind myself that where I am incapable, God is more than capable.
Still, I fear what tomorrow and the next day and the day after that will bring. Any day my hcg could plummet and my bleeding pickup.
It’s hard not to step off the roller coaster of what ifs.
I hope tomorrow proves me wrong.
In case it doesn’t… I’m sleeping with a pad on, just in case.