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Rachel, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your heartache. I hope others will be touched by your story and know they are not alone.

Love,

Rachel

My name is Rachel.   I live in rainy Seattle and have recently found this blog.  It has given me comfort reading all the stories of loss and pain and knowing that I am not alone in my heartache.  

My story begins about 7 years ago when were moving from Dayton, OH to Seattle, WA.

We had found out that I was finally pregnant with our first baby, I was 7 weeks along.  We were so excited.  We had just finished packing up our apartment and put our cats in their crate when I went to the bathroom before getting in the truck for the long trek across country.

I screamed. There was blood! 

Nervously we went to the hospital, crying and sobbing the whole way. I ended up being fine and we could see little William’s heartbeat on screen.  Doctors seemed to think nothing was wrong.

 Off to Seattle we went. 

Then about 5 weeks later, a few days before Christmas, William went to heaven. That Christmas was hard. Our family had bought baby gifts.  

Then two months later, I was pregnant again with John.  He made it to 7 weeks. 4 months later Lily made it 10 weeks.  

My doctors were stumped. Infertility specialists couldn’t figure it out because all my tests were normal.  They said things like “something must have been wrong with the baby.”

My thoughts were, “Nothing is wrong! They are my babies.”

Then lo and behold, one of my doctors ran a test and found I made little tiny blood clots. These clots would get caught in the placenta and starve the baby. My first thoughts were, “I killed my babies.”

I still wrestle with this because it is nothing I can control! My doctor prescribed a baby aspirin. Something so tiny.  Then miracle #1 happened, I carried to term the most wonderful girl, who we named Lydia and she is now 5.  

After a year and a half, Lydia needed a sibling and we started our struggles again.  I lost, Emily, Rose, and Catherine before miracle #2 our daughter Elizabeth. 

My doctors still have no idea why I keep miscarrying.  We have been trying again for a third baby, but Philip and Nathaniel didn’t make it past 8 weeks.  

For every little life there has been joy and sorrow.  I ache for each of my babies and I’ve spent hours crying.  This wound seems like it will never heal.  Not only does my heart hurt but my physical body has been put through a lot. 10 pregnancies in 7 years.  

We are currently contemplating whether or not our quiver is full.  I love my girls and this is a hard decision.  I’ve spent many hours in prayer with other women because I understand their pain.  William, John, Lily, Emily, Rose, Catherine, Philip and Nathaniel will all be in heaven with me someday.