Today, I’m taking the day off. As in, it’s almost 5 and I’m still in my PJs. And I didn’t get out of bed until *gasp* noon.
I’m trying to give myself permission to just be, and feel what I need to feel, and do what I need to do, without worrying about whether I’m being productive or am helping my family or meeting goals.
This is such a change of pace from my normal life. And it won’t be this way for forever. But I’ve spent the day playing with Maddy, watching Finding Nemo snuggled up next to her, and reading pregnancy loss forums and articles.
Tonight, we’ll have cake for Maddy’s birthday. And who knows what else I’ll do. Probably cry some. Maybe journal for a bit. (Going through the recent surgery definitely brought up anxiety and fears that surrounded Madelyn’s birth. And it was just compounded by Maddy’s birthday. So more I need to work through.)
This morning I woke up with a feeling of peace for the first time in weeks. Perhaps it’s because last night my hubby and I were able to resolve some conflict. It seems that losing a baby raises a lot more issues than just the baby passing (which is horrible enough on it’s own.) I have to deal with physically recuperating, dealing with grief and loss of hopes and dreams, fear over my body, questioning whether we’ll ever get pregnant again, dealing with Madelyn’s fits (as she knows something is up) . . . as well as concern for the financial side of things as we start to get hospital bills. All that adds stress to a marriage — making just one more (very important) thing that needs to be sorted out.
Seriously, if I know my hubby and I are on the same page, life is just so much better. If we are supporting each other in what we need — it makes all the difference in the world. Sometimes, that’s not easy though.
Ok, that’s just an update on my day . . . giving myself permission to do nothing except what I want to do, and to let everything else take care of itself — at least until tomorrow.