Well . . . hello.

I guess I need to break the ice again . . . but I’m not sure how.

I hate to say it, but for the first time, I think this blog has become a bit awkward for me. It’s kind of feels like the social equivalent of getting drunk, totally humiliating yourself, and then having to go face the crowd when you’re sober and embarrassed.

(Not that I have been drunk before. Well, OK, I got drunk when I was 3 years old. But that’s another story . . .)

There feels like a big elephant in the room. And I wanted to ignore it — but I think I’m just going to have to address it head on. I shared on my last note much more personally than I ever have before, and that is embarrassing and scary.

But I can’t decide if sharing so intimately with what I am struggling with is a good thing or a bad thing. It’s not really socially normal, I do know that. But does that make it wrong?

That’s where I’m fuzzy.

My husband encouraged me to keep the note up because it is a truthful account of what I’m dealing with. It’s totally ugly, but it’s true. I felt like my counselor recommended I get more honest on this blog as a way to get out of that need to control my image. To really be upfront, and grieve.

My sister, on the other hand, recommended I take it down. I don’t need to socially martyr myself, and I don’t need to be 100% transparent. Some things are personal, and they don’t need to be public for anybody and everybody to see. When I received LOTS of concerned phone calls the day after my post — well, I think I started to agree with my sister.

I’m struggling because I can’t decide if it’s good or bad that I’m uncomfortable. It could be GOOD because I’m being proactive in breaking that pretty box . . . but it’s BAD if I crossed a line, or have inadvertantly pushed people away.

While there’s much I’m debating, I did decide to edit my post ever so slightly to temper it down.

I’ve also decided that I’m definitely going through a depression. Which also brings up more questions . . . If I am blogging about pregnancy loss, but I’m also depressed, doesn’t that mean that less women will be able to relate? Will this blog be now about depression after loss — or can it still serve those who are going through a loss without having succumbed to depression?

I wish I knew the answers . . . .

Even as I question my content, my voice, and my level of transparency, I still stand strong in my purpose.

I am writing through my grief because in hard times, sometimes the only thing that helps is someone who has been there, done that, and is brave enough to share their story. I want to be brave with my story.

I am writing because it gives me an outlet for my feelings and grief.

I blog because I need Olivia’s life to have meaning.

I share because, the first day after my loss, I had an intense need to share Olivia’s “birth” story — just like other women do who have gone through labor and had healthy babies. I assume other women have this need, and I want to provide a safe place to share our stories.

I write because I was once the girl that said all the wrong things and was a very unhelpful support person to my friends and acquaintances dealing with pregnancy loss. I want to help break the silence, help others understand what it’s like to lose a baby (no matter the gestation), and give them the words and tools they need to truly support their loved one in the best way possible.

I write because I do believe that God has gifted me with a love for the written word, and I want to use that to His glory.

I continue to write because more than 4,000 people have viewed this blog in 3 months . . .  and that tells me that somehow, in some way, my writing is helping others . . . even though I can’t always see it or know the outcome.

I pour out my heart on this thing because I need my friends and family to know what I’m going through — but I have a hard time communicating that in person.

I long to know that I’m not alone in my feelings. I long to feel connected, because I so often feel lost in myself and unconnected when I am physically around others. I long to feel hope.

If you have viewed this blog, I’m going to ask a favor. Will you please let me know if and what you have found helpful in my writing? As I wrestle with where to take this blog, your suggestions and feedback will really help me.

As much as this started out being about Olivia — it’s now really about you, my readers. And helping you, while helping me, is Olivia’s legacy.

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