I have spent a fair amount of time waiting over the last several years.

Waiting for a foster license. For a foster baby. For a court date. For an adoption. For the time to say hello. For the time to say good-bye. For a chance to say hello again.

Waiting for a diagnosis. For a positive pregnancy test. For the chance to try, then try and try again. For the miscarriage to start. For the miscarriages to end. For the doctor’s appointments and tests. For an answer. 

Waiting for God to tell me why. For God to say yes, and not always no. For a reason to hold on when my faith began crumbling. For peace to come with or without understanding. 

Waiting to find out if the baby was in the right spot. For a heartbeat. For the second and third trimesters. For the nausea to end. For labor to begin. For a disease to come that never did. For a baby I longed to hold in my arms. 

Waiting for contractions to end or pick up. For the right time to go to the hospital. For the courage to push when it hurt like h**l. For the first sight. First kiss. First touch. 

Waiting for the right name. For my body to heal. For the baby to sleep. For the baby to wake. For the reflux to be gone. For my anxiety to subside. 

Waiting with much more patience, because now I’m waiting for time to slow down.

And then I found myself in a new kind of waiting.

Waiting for the doctor to allay my fear. For her to say I was only imagining things, or that this was normal. For the tests that would now need to come. For the referrals to go through. For the appointments that feel so far away.

Waiting to get through each day, terrified something was wrong. Waiting for the pit in my stomach to go away. Waiting for the worst case scenario, hardly daring to hope for the best. 

Today part of our wait ended. We received good news, and with it the realization that I had been waiting to breathe.

We are still waiting for a diagnosis. Waiting … but with hope.

For all you mamas who know what it’s like to wait …

You are the strongest mamas I know. Hold on sweet thing, just hold on. God’s got this, and He’s got you, right in the palm of His hand. So you just hold on, while He’s holding on to you.

One day, sooner or later, for better or for worse, your wait will come to an end.

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